March 28, 2019 5 min read 1 Comment

I want to live in a world where I am safe and people love me and I can trust them. But I've never lived there. I've built universes of art where that exists. I transform my friends into the people that live there. Dress them up as my ultimate fantasy tribe of superheroes ready to fight for love and each other and the planet. I have desperately drawn these worlds since I was a little. But I never felt I was actually there. I never believed it could be here.

I keep everyone at arm’s length waiting to see if they will hurt me. While desperately wanting to feel their love. Seeing my love love someone else and beginning to see if that someone could love me also has brought all of this to the surface. I had no idea it was inside me so deep just waiting for the circumstances that would have me question it all and bring out the claws and scare everyone away to protect the sweet little one who was hurt so much before.

But I don't want to scare them away. I want to love them. And trust them. And believe I am safe here on this planet. Believe that I can create those magical worlds I paint and costume and soundtrack and film..these worlds where people love each other and are transparent and take on the most intense mission of all..breaking open their hearts for all to see and reveal the true nature that’s waiting underneath. That’s what i want.

It's gut wrenching. It's uncertain. It's scary as hell to be so vulnerable. Every time I cry and open up I wonder if they will realize what a pathetic loser I am for being so weak. I wonder if they will decide I'm too negative and dramatic and want to find someone happier to hang out with. But if I'm not real, if I don't share all the fears and insecurities and doubts, if I cut them out without even giving them a chance to accept me and love me..then i've already lost them.

So I wont live in fear. I have a lifetime commitment to evolving and expanding and embracing a path of love. This is why I don't contain my love. I don't control my love. I don't try to keep my lover on the narrow path that won't trigger my insecurities. Because I want them to be free and explore and share. And I want to love them as a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult, a parent, a grandparent and on their deathbed. Loving someone to that level is so much more than physical expression . It's so much more than living together. I want to love someone like that even if they decide they don't want to sleep with me anymore. Even if they go live with someone else. I want to love like that no matter what. And I want to break myself of these patterns that keep me incapable of achieving that.

I want to be vast and overflowing I want to ooze love and heal people with my touch or my smile. I want to provide and take care of and nurture the people around me. Regardless of their life choices. Especially my lovers. I want to eradicate every atom of fear and doubt and uncertainty from my being until I can shine like the sun no matter what happens around me. And this commitment holds true regardless of anyone. If my worst fears manifest and my lover leaves me for their new lover because they pleasure them better.. Love them better.. Take care of them better…if I end up alone with no one who cares...Even then i would want to be a warrior of love. A self-contained God who accepts all and loves all and is content within themselves.

So the only path is to accept and trust and love everyone I can along with the way. I have no idea what will happen. The security I felt before introducing a third was an illusion. I can't control people. I can't make them love me. I can't make them stay with me. I have no control. The only thing I can control is my heart and my actions. And I am ready to fiercely protect that power over my state of being. Because I realize this is all I have in my domain of control. And when I abandon that and forget that and focus on controlling others to get them to do xyz that will make me feel better or indulge those insecurities I don't like who I become. I flip. I darkstar. I become a vampire who is just here to take and control others to do their bidding. And when I go there I actually could manifest my fears. It's the Irony of being a creative being.

I could push everyone away and end up alone. And that's the opposite of what I want. So I will fight tooth and nail to stay in love. To remember why I'm here. To create my universe of fantastical beings that work together to evolve our planet and love each other. It's pounding in my head. Since as long as I can remember I had visions of magnificent superheroes sharing love and journey to shift this planet and repair our relationships as humans and repair the Ecosystems where we live. Light warriors fighting for the good of all. This is what I've been working for. And it starts inside.

It starts with me letting go of fear everyday and acting on love. It means being vulnerable and crying all the time because I won't numb myself anymore. I won't fall into self-destructive patterns. I don't care if people think I'm crazy I'm going to cry whenever I feel like it. And lately it's been allot. On airplanes. In lines for festivals. At fashion shows. In bed. In cars. After love making. Before love making. I've been purging 20 years of pain and suffering and numbing of emotions and it feels amazing even as it feels exhausting. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't feel anything for a long long time. It was awful. Now I feel everything and it is awful but it's also so brilliant. It's like every emotion you can imagine all wrapped up into one deep pulsing ache like love and death combined. The God particle of emotions.

And that is my mission. Break my heart open over and over and transform that process into art in the hopes that it may help someone else break their heart open over and over also. Because we need to feel again. We need to get clear with the depths of our emotions so we can clear out the trauma and exist on higher levels of love and start to do our work here on this planet now. We can be white blood cells for this planet or cancer cells. And If we do become white blood cells the entire world will shift. 100 monkeys is all it takes. I think this is more important than any other task. At the least it should be at the heart of each of our practices. External fights against authorities and injustices are important but only if our center is clear. If we can be present in our own experiences. Otherwise the cycles of violence and judgement and attacks just continue. It all repeats. What happened to us we do to others. Unless we break the cycle and break our hearts and fight with every ounce of strength to love. And love and love. And love the loves of our loves.


Jillian Ann Is Wearing our Caged Gown - Inquire within for one of your own
By Ritual
Photography by John Dongera

1 Response

Karl Evans
Karl Evans

November 24, 2019

I am like you. I feel in the same way you do. Not exactly but with the same power and for likely the same reasons. I cry when feeling deep emotion, which is often and in public. I’m drawn to your creations- almost every single one. You are not alone. My heart thanks you for opening up so deeply.

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